Beyond Fireworks

Pop culture is full of references to the experience of a new love as fireworks. ChatGPT gave me a long list of quotes from movies and TV (“When you’re in love, you feel like fireworks go off in your heart”) but since a large number of them appear to have been entirely made up by ChatGPT I decided not to list them all here.

The image of fireworks is an enduring metaphor in our cultural consciousness – the chemistry, the whiz-bang, the power of the experience.

Of course, it’s totally off base.

Fireworks are really cool. I love watching them. Nothing against fireworks here. But they are a terrible metaphor for love.

Fireworks are bright, showy, dazzling. They fill us with wonder and excite us. This describes the rush of feeling that accompanies a new relationship, and a new relationship is by no means a paradigm of love.

Love

Love requires knowing who the other person is – the more deeply, the more love. Love is not blind.

Passion may be blind. Infatuation is blind. Lust is blind. But love is not blind, because if you do not truly see the person you are in relationship with, you do not know them and you cannot love them. (Think about how it feels when someone you want to be close to really doesn’t get you – they don’t understand what is important to you, what your preferences are, what you really want from them or from life. You sure don’t feel loved.)

Nor can you “fall” in love. Falling is an accident. It is effortless. It just “happens.” That’s not how love happens. Love is built. Love is something you have to work for. (I shudder when I read things online to the effect of “if you have to work at it, it’s not the right relationship for you.” Dear Lord. 🤦🏻‍♂️)

Fireworks may well describe these aspects of infatuation, of falling, but certainly not of love.  I’d like to propose a much better metaphor for us instead.

Love is like embers.

Fireworks and Embers

Fireworks are public and loud. Embers are personal and quiet. They whisper, they crackle. You might not even hear them if you’re not tuned in. Embers don’t announce themselves to a crowd. When you love someone, you don’t need to post it on your Facebook relationship status to make it real. Fireworks need an audience; embers are found in the private hearth of your home.

Fireworks are something you sit back and watch with a hot dog or soda in hand. Embers need to be stoked and attended to. Love doesn’t last if you don’t work on the relationship. The nicest, most compatible couples will find themselves out of touch or in conflict if they just sit back and let things be. Love demands your input.

Fireworks look nice but don’t produce anything. You can’t use the light to see or the heat to cook. But embers are actually where the best cooking happens – just ask any aficionado of roasting marshmallows. Love helps you build yourself and your life into greater entities than they were before. Infatuation, by contrast, sucks up your time, energy and attention.

Fireworks produce a big flash and then fade to darkness, a flash and darkness. Embers are calm and consistent. Love isn't here today and gone tomorrow. It isn't something that comes and goes. You can love your spouse even when you are angry with them. Even when you don't feel affectionate. Even when they (or you) are not at their best. Sure, feelings of connection and closeness ebb and flow, like the rising and falling intensity of the glowing coals - but love itself stays even keel.

Fireworks happen far away from you. If you get close, you’re in danger. Embers are right there in front of you, and if you want to really feel the warmth, you get right near and intimate. Love is something you put your self into; you can’t keep someone at arm’s length and truly love them.

Fireworks disappear in seconds. They make a big splash and then they’re gone, and there’s nothing you can do except light another round and send them up. Embers stick around and stay warm for a long time – and the more you feed and care for them, the longer they glow.

Fireworks are for special occasions. It’s a once-in-a-while type of activity. Embers heat your house every day.

Fireworks fill you with a sense of excitement and wonder. Embers fill you with a sense of warmth and security.

Choose Love

I doubt that movies and TV will adopt my metaphor anytime soon. Fireworks sells. Embers, not so much.

But maybe you could embrace the metaphor. And hey, if it helps you, that’s good enough for me.